I need to get back to reality. I need that emotional blow to get gravity back.

    'So if I were working at Starbucks and there was no one waiting to be served, bathroom was just cleaned, counters and all the tables are already wiped, and basically there's nothing to do...why wouldn't it be ok for me to bust out a gameboy or something?'

     'That's unacceptable; you're being paid for your service'

    'But there's nothing  to do'

    'Then find something to do...that's like saying would it be ok for me to drink on the job?'

    'No'

    'why not?'

    'Because, then it'd affect your efficacy and service.'

    'I'm a 200 some pound guy...I can drink a few beers before there're any noticeable effects. So would you think it's acceptable if you were to walk into Starbucks and the person who takes your order has an open can of beer in his left hand?'

    'No'

    'Exactly'

 

 

This was a conversation I had with a friend of mine back in highschool. I was the one asking if it'd be alryte to play gameboy if there were nothing to do.  My friend could not understand why I would ask such a stupid work ethic related question....meet my friend who cheated his way through just about every test he ever took...SAT's included.

 

The average American college student: steals copyrighted material off the internet, cheats on tests with the handy TI calculators, and you and I as fellow students brush these accusations off with a simple, 'i mind my business and don't really care what other people do as long as they don't bother me.'

 

So...anyone feeling like a hallow shell? I've never doubted my integrity before, but maybe I should take a long hard look at myself. Seems like whenever i look in the mirror, i squint so my reflection is distorted and i see what i wanna see. It can't be good to be desensitized to what the bible acclaims to be in the category of the 7 deadly sins.

 

 I was talking to my mom earlier and she said that to be a dog would be a very pitiful life. She [zoey] has to wag her tail to please us in order to get some dog food. 'Where is her self respect?' Where is my self respect? There are things that we all say we would never do...never steal an old lady's purse, never kill a baby, etc. But when push comes to shove...I've broken every single one of my morals .

 

I remember a time when in elementary school, the teacher would tell us stories that centered around virtuosity and character. And us, with our sponge like brain, would absorb the message and imagine ourselves in place of that fictionous knight in shinning armor.

 So I was rewatching Lord of the Rings and in my opinion, what set the nobles apart from the commoners (aside from not having horrendous faces) was that all the nobles had morals. If my character were to be projected onto a medieval setting movie, I don't think I'd look very noblish.

Where did all that passion go? I lie and I cheat and I steal. Worst part is i lie, cheat, and steal from myself and even if it seems like I don't care what it does to me, recently i recognized that i am sledge-hammering away at what my parents built piece by piece for the past 20 years. Guilt trip? "Have you ever done anything that has made your life better?" or the lives of those you love?

 

I feel like a hallow shell; there is nothing within me that is remotely exemplary. Status quo would be my life's summary.  

 

So, let the spiffyness come unto me. Shit needs to change, I need to change, and so we'll just say these past couple of years were the winter of my life...and I will forcibly spring spring season onto me. Can't keep repeating the same mistakes (sleep)-- they cost too much. Can't quit (not wake up from sleep)--parents already invested too much.   

 

 I am recently reminded of the fact that it is my dutiful obligations to look after my parents in a couple of years...and when that time comes, I want to be as prepared as possible....and it seems morals is what's gonna get me there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

p.s. the decipherer code is 'Apachi.' Go back up and try to figure out what it means

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

p.p.s  Jk. there is no secret decipherer.

So the question of living for the moment or living for tomorrow has always been etching away my sanity in the back of my eyes. There is insanity in everything...am I slowly going crazy now or am I recuperating from my insentient- induced insanity?

Do I see things so differently now because I'm getting an edumacation or is it because of my other hobbies?

 

I'd like to think it's because of my edumacation.

 

So where do you find solace? On the tip of a pen? The stroke of your fingers on a keyboard? At the end of a lit cigarette? Funny how the things we look forward to the most in life lasts the shortest. Or is it that although these events are short, we subconsciously recognize that they mark a threshold, a turning point in our lives where things can never be the same again. After a weeding, after a pregnancy, after a best friend's birthday party, after an evar...albeit that these events are ephemeral, they do stroke the chords of life that will change my tone of life.

 

 

I only wish I had played my note in tune last night.

 

"... and it's a perfect world
you build a fortress around you
can see no reason not to continue

everything you needed in the world,
you're holding, holding in your hands

and if this comfortable life is your only passage through time
just make sure you can break through
the walls that you are building around you

the things you always dreamed about
you know that in time they'll be running out
stop turning around and round and round
everything you wanted will be coming down like castles in the sand... "

This is a test.